How do I tell my family I have doubts about my faith?

How common is doubt among believers?

Common, if doubt means being less than fully sure. Pew’s 2023–24 Religious Landscape Study, a survey of 36,908 U.S. adults, found that 83% believe in God or a universal spirit. Only 54% said they hold that belief with absolute certainty. Among Christians, 97% believe in God, and 73% hold that belief with absolute certainty. That means roughly one Christian in four believes in God without being absolutely sure.

Most people also stay. In the same study, 56% of U.S. adults still identified with the religion they were raised in, while 35% had a different religious identity. In a follow-up survey of 8,937 adults in May 2025, the reasons that people who stayed most often called extremely or very important were that they believe the religion’s teachings (64%), that it meets their spiritual needs (61%) and that it gives their life meaning (56%).

What do people often get wrong? One mistake is to treat doubt as a final decision. Telling your family “I have questions” is not the same as announcing that you are leaving. Another mistake is to think that people who leave religion stop believing in anything. Even among religiously unaffiliated Americans, Pew found that more than half believe in God or a universal spirit. Our answer on questioning what you were raised to believe looks at what several scriptures say about honest doubt, and our guide to atheists, agnostics and “nones” explains those labels.

What happens when people tell their families?

We found little research on believers who share their doubts with family and then stay. In 2015, one study called research on people who tell family they no longer believe “still relatively sparse,” but those stories offer clues.

In that 2015 study, researchers interviewed 80 U.S. atheists about “coming out” as atheists and looked at what happened when they told close family. Most described words or actions that supported the relationship. Some parents simply said they would love their child no matter what. For other families, religion was a non-issue. Relatives often needed time to adjust. Others met anger, rejection or tears. Some were told it was a phase, pressured to attend services, or asked not to talk about it. Some relatives were in despair because they feared for the person’s eternal fate. One man had not talked with his wife about his changing views, and she felt blindsided when he told her. The group was small, and half were interviewed in Colorado, mostly at atheist gatherings, so the study cannot tell us how common each reaction is.

Hiding doubts can carry costs too. A 2009 study that followed older adults over time found that people who had more negative run-ins with fellow members of their congregation had more doubts, and were more likely to push those doubts down. Suppressing doubt was linked with less favorable health. People who attended Bible study groups were more likely to respond to doubt by seeking spiritual growth. These are links; they do not show that one thing causes the other.

Many people also say they handle religious disagreement calmly. In a Pew survey reported in 2016, about two-thirds of Baby Boomers, Gen Xers and Millennials, and 62% of the Silent Generation, said the best response when someone disagrees with them about religion is to try to understand the other person’s views and agree to disagree. Only 10% of evangelical Protestants, and 4% of atheists and agnostics, said they try to change the other person’s mind. That survey asked about disagreement in general, not about a relative’s doubts.

What helps the conversation go well?

No study has tested a script for this exact talk. The ideas below draw on the research above and on studies of hard talks about other topics.

• Start small. Tell one person you trust first, such as a sibling, a friend or a faith leader who welcomes questions. You do not have to tell everyone at once.
• Pick a calm, private moment. A holiday dinner or the middle of an argument is rarely the right time.
• Begin with what has not changed. Your love for them, the values you share, the memories you treasure.
• Speak for yourself. “I’ve been wrestling with some questions” opens a door. “You’re wrong” closes one.
• Listen for the fear under the words. A believing parent may be worried about your soul or your future, not about winning a debate.
• Share your story, not a list of arguments. Say what led you here and what you still wonder about.
• Expect more than one talk. In the 2015 study, some relatives who resisted at first came to accept the change over time.
• Set gentle limits. You can say, “I’m not ready to talk about that yet.” You do not owe anyone every detail.

Two lines of research sit behind the third and sixth tips. The first is about values. Researchers Geoffrey Cohen and David Sherman reviewed studies of self-affirmation, an exercise in which people typically write about their core personal values. Their review says that threats to a person’s sense of self stir up stress and defensiveness, and that timely self-affirmation can ease them. The link to family talks is an analogy, and it has limits. In those studies, the person under threat affirmed their own values, and the outcomes were mostly about school, health and relationships. Reminding your family of values you still share is similar in spirit, but nobody has tested it. Results also vary: a large 2017 school replication found no evidence of an effect.

The second is about stories. Researchers Joshua Kalla and David Broockman ran three field experiments in which 230 canvassers talked with 6,869 voters in seven U.S. locations about unauthorized immigrants and transgender people. In the first experiment, arguments alone had no effect, while talks that also included a non-judgmental exchange of personal stories reduced exclusionary attitudes (prejudice toward a group and opposition to policies that help it) a little, for at least four months. The other two experiments found similar small effects. This is another analogy with limits. Those were canvassers talking with voters about political topics, and the talks were designed to change attitudes. At home, your goal is to be understood, not to change anyone’s faith.

Some people ask whether it is kinder to keep doubts private, to spare a parent pain or keep the peace. That can be a wise choice for a while, especially if you are unsure where your questions lead or if speaking up is unsafe. In the 2015 study, some people found that limiting or avoiding talk about religion helped protect family ties. Silence has costs too: a change discovered late can blindside someone you love, and in one study of older adults, suppressing doubt was linked with less favorable health. There is no deadline. Only you can weigh the timing.

What if telling could put you at risk?

For some people, this talk can be unsafe. If you are under 18, or you depend on family for a home, money or legal papers, think carefully about timing. It is fine to wait until you are more independent. If anyone threatens or hurts you, call 911 or your local emergency number. If you are a young person in the U.S., the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline has counselors available 24/7; you can call or text 1-800-422-4453.

In some countries the risk is also legal. Pew found that in 2019, 22 of the 198 countries and territories it studied had laws against apostasy, the act of abandoning one’s faith. Most were in the Middle East and North Africa, and penalties vary by country.

Support exists on every path. Recovering from Religion, a nonprofit for people dealing with doubt or non-belief, offers peer support by phone and chat, more than 50 peer support groups, and referrals to licensed secular therapists through its Secular Therapy Project. If you hope to stay in your faith, a clergy member who welcomes questions, or a counselor who shares your faith, may help. The ACPE Psychotherapy Commission, formerly the American Association of Pastoral Counselors, is a multi-faith community of professionals, and ACPE keeps a public directory of therapists. If you feel hopeless or unsafe, please use the crisis line on this page or visit our care page.

Where can people of faith and skeptics agree?

• Families can hold more than one belief. In Pew’s study, 26% of married U.S. adults had a spouse with a different religious identity.
• Nobody should be pressured. Belief that is forced, in either direction, is not freely chosen.
• Listening beats winning. In every generation Pew asked, most people said the best response to religious disagreement is to try to understand the other view and agree to disagree.

How can you check this yourself?

• Read the survey questions. Pew asks separately whether people believe in God and how sure they are.
• Look at who was studied. The family study interviewed 80 atheists. The doubt-and-health study followed older adults. The conversation experiments involved voters and political topics. Ask how close each group is to you.
• Check the size of effects. Kalla and Broockman report small effects.
• Ask inside your tradition. Many faith communities have teachers and counselors who have heard these questions before.

Go gently, stay safe, lead with love, and remember that doubt does not decide where you end up. You can keep asking and keep caring for your family at the same time.